Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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