I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
