You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
