God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
we should paint friendship bongs
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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