I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
