From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
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My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
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Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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