and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
