If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm like, not good at living.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
