Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
