life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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