i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
