College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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