just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
