even my farts smell like vagina
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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