You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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