In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
