Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Randomize
