This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
