if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
