Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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