Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
