I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
