I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
