Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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