So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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