he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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