If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
