Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
