Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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