And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
