this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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