somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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