Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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