I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
