When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
