Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
