They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize