Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He felt like a one man threesome
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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