The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
