i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
