you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
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He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
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Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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