the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
