I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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