Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
