I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
