I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
