between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
