On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
