i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
