dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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