Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
