just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
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After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
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Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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