i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
