Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
