we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
